Farewell, every substitute teacher who combats their massive inferiority complex and compensates by dictating the class's every action and breath.
Farewell, parents who are too stupid and inconsiderate to park in the parking lot and instead park in the middle of the student drop-off lane every morning.
Farewell, school librarians who hate technology and try to "witness to their faith" in public schools when I just want to pay my damn Fees and Fines.
Farewell, shitty wiring jobs that render any network-dependent task impossible.
Farewell, haughty high-school whores who wear skin-tight pants and complain about sexual harassment when someone they don't like so much as looks at them squarely.
Farewell, gang-banging morons who wear their pants down to their ankles in an attempt to impress everyone.
Farewell, every asshole who comes to class late on a daily basis then claims discrimination when the teacher gets sick of them disrupting class with their incessant chattering.
Farewell, every whiny goth kid who asks me for a dollar for a soda (knowing full well that every machine is usually locked, I always say, "No," and the fact that I rarely buy a soda myself) and then walk away muttering obscenities when I tell them where to shove their outstretched hand.
Farewell, dipshits who wear rebel flag shirts and blast their shitty country music from their pick-up truck every afternoon after a day of parroting "Larry the Cable Guy" jokes in every class.
Farewell, acne-ridden assholes who block traffic so they can make out with their ugly skank of a girlfriend, making everyone late to class in the process.
Farewell, nineteen year-old losers who still go to high school, take the bus, and spend all day skipping class to pollute my goddamn air with their nicotine addictions.
Farewell, bureaucratic hall monitors who are so anal retentive that they make a full-blown Inquisition out of a Tech Aid (complete with the pass/badge thing) going to fix a damn computer and save the institution they work for hundreds of dollars in repair costs.
Farewell, insipid extracurricular groups like the Fellowship for Christian Athletes. Since when does your religion have any impact on your athletic ability? Why is something like this in a public school and paid for with tax dollars?
Farewell, teachers who have been robbed of any joy derived from teaching by the No Child Left Behind Act, FCAT, and other government acts that make no sense and serve no purpose.
Farewell, students who never "get it" but insist on staying enrolled in an Honors class despite their inherent stupidity.
Farewell, obnoxious loud-mouths who make the time spent in the hallway between classes unbearable without an MP3 Player.
Farewell, the few teachers and administrators who try their damnedest to be a respectable human being.
Farewell, the few students who try their damnedest to be a respectable human being but fail anyway.
Farewell, counterproductive District-enforced policies that set the concept of education back by at least 20 years.
Farewell, having to suffer through the "FCAT Word of the Week" in seven classes every day despite passing all their bullshit tests with flying colors; just because some people still didn't catch on to the idea of getting it out of their way and passing it the first time. It's not brain surgery, you morons.
Farewell, awkward silences prior to every time I open my mouth to speak.
Farewell, having to open my mouth in the first place to set someone straight.
Farewell, dumb bitch in my English class who thought that "Hussein" was Barack Obama's last name and actually tried to argue with me about it.
Farewell, pointless high school rivalries that result in unfunny pranks, senseless violence, and an overall lapse in human reasoning.
Farewell, gullible freshmen who don't quite grasp the concept of Remote Desktop connections and believe their computer is haunted.
Farewell, girls with high-pitched voices who talk to their boyfriend at the other end of the bathroom in as loud a voice as they can muster when I'm trying to peacefully take a piss.
Farewell, overwhelming urge to throw people over the balcony prior to hearing the stupid things they say.
Farewell, less than 1% of the student population who actually follows my line of thinking when I'm coerced into a rant about how stupid the other 99% of the student population is.
Farewell, moron that sits next to me in English class who aspires to be a cop and proclaims a love of scotch-- which constitutes a confession for underage drinking (and if I know that, any cop should)-- and continues to do so despite my attempts to explain to him that he is, in fact, a moron and needs to shut his mouth or jump off a cliff.
Farewell, so-called athletes who goof off in class but pass anyway.
Farewell, Shitface-- the dumbest jock I've ever met.
Farewell, using a proxy to access my email inbox then disabling the proxy to check Kobra's Corner, How to Not Suck, Maddox's page, Rant Lister, and Google Video. Yeah, I don't get it either.
Farewell, finding a security hole every week and waiting several months before the meat-heads downtown bother to fix it.
Farewell, idiots who opt to take Programming class but cry because they don't understand what to do BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T READ THE BOOK!
Farewell, being chained to a desk with nothing to do in half my classes for half an hour at a time because I work diligently.
Farewell to a system that punishes good students and rewards incompetent ones.
Farewell to having to get up at the crack of dawn with the prospect of seven hours of mindless droning as the only thing to look forward to.
Farewell to high blood pressure, ulcers, and every other nasty affliction that is undoubtedly common to anyone exposed to high school for any duration of time.
Farewell to contracting food poisoning from a school-prepared chicken sandwich.
Farewell to the loss of hearing associated with having to blast heavy metal songs over the voices of the unwashed masses.
Farewell to envying the deaf for not having to listen to the bullshit I mentally ingested on a daily basis.
Farewell to worthless students who don't want to be there but show up anyway.
Farewell to people who go to school exclusively to socialize.
Farewell to standing against the wall during a Code Red lock-down thinking, "Why won't these people shut up?"
Farewell to being the only person who doesn't give half a shit about what the Bible says about some trivial matter when taken out of context in an entire room full of "tomorrow's thinkers."
Farewell to being humbled by every presumptive asshole who used the word "peer" to describe the thankless, thinkless assholes who populated my high school.
Finally, I'd like to say farewell to every asshole who has ever said something stupid and got offended when I gave a stupid reply. (e.g. "You need to find god!" "Give me head and I'll think about it." "You're suspended for three days; here's your referral.")
Happy Graduation, Class of 2008! Here's to hoping most of you die in a horrible accident so that, in the event that I end up dating one of you and get dragged to one of the class reunions, I won't spend the entire time wishing I could jackhammer my eardrums out to tune out your collective stupidity!
