How Gangsta Are You?

He Suffers from RID (Racial Identity Disorder)

There are far too many gangsta posers out running around nowadays, making gangstas look like some kind of commoner hogwash. Little do they know that gangstas are the real deal, because gangstas have led harsh lives (in contrast with the norm; everyone else leads perfect lives without misfortunes or stumbling blocks). So as a favor to all you ghetto posers out there, and as a favor to the real gangstas who put up with yo fake ass, here's a guide to be a real gangsta.

1. Never speak proper english. Grammar? Mechanics? Usage? Proper pronunciation? Nigga PLEASE! Also, say the word "nigga" alot. And throw the word "cuh" around like party favors. Real ghetto people say "cuh" at the end of every sentence, and replace every noun with "nigga." Example: "Yo, dawg! Didja hear 'bout 'dis nigga over der? 'Dey say dat nigga beat dat other nigga. Like, CUUUH, man..." See how clear and concise that was? And besides, everyone knows that intellectuals are intimidated by slang. Keep that in mind next time you get in a debate with a smart person.

2. Racism doesn't swing both ways. If you're black, then you win and everyone else loses... unless they're also black. In which case whoever can use the word "cracker" or any various form of the word the most in a single sentence wins. Also, it's cool to hypocritically scowl at someone for saying the word "nigga" when you just said it fifteen times. Everyone will love you.

3. Guns mean everything. The more guns you have, the more popular you will be. Everyone looks up to a man who can hold his gun at someone for several minutes without firing a warning shot or even intending to use it. Also, holding it at an angle will make everyone know you mean business. Only cowards handle conflicts with diplomacy or fair fights. Real men just kill people because they're HARD like dat, yo.

4. Say shit you don't mean. About your best friends. Behind their backs. Seriously. Everyone else does it. If you don't do it, then you's a bitch or you think you're too good to talk shit about them behind their backs. It's common knowledge that a bad friend is a good gangsta friend. Be prepared to stick up for said friends at the drop of a hat, though.

5. Show a total disregard for taste in comedy. Yo momma jokes? Perfectly acceptable. After all, you're not a comedian... you're a tough, tormented, violent, rebellious teenager who has endured an unusually cruel childhood. Your friends should only laugh out of fear, but don't let that stop you from soaking it all up like the mental sponge you are. Cuh!

6. There's a bit of misinformation going around about baggy pants, and I'm here to set everyone straight. The key to wearing baggy pants isn't to wear it as low as you legally can. The goal is to wear it in the most inconvenient place imaginable. Contrary to popular belief, and common sense, it is completely practical to restrict your range of movement for your legs to a mere three inches while you run your mouth to everyone.

7. Don't think like a rational person. Rational people have a tendency to think open-minded and clear-headed. That is NOT what you stand for. You stand for a person who has lived their whole life in poverty and has become hardened to all things logical. To compensate for your lack of individuality, rely on your clique to do all the thinking for you. After all, they're all people you can trust and will lead you to the right decision, even if common sense leads you elsewhere.

8. Properly intimidating someone is a rare talent amongst even the toughest G's. But I have discovered the secret to it! As you can tell, this guy is serious about what he be reppin'. Note the arms extended at a maximum distance, and the neck extended so as to expose the throat perfectly to an uppercut. Also, having your legs spread a good three feet apart is a plus. Remember: humans are like mountain lions. The more space you seem to take up, the more intimidated they will feel.

9. If you should ever find yourself in a fight (and you should, if you 'bout what you represent), here are a few key points to keep in mind:

Do as I mentioned in point 8, only puff your chest out a little more and bend one arm so it looks like you know how to block.

Stand perpendicular to your opponent's line of sight. Although most fighting styles recommend fighting parallel to their line of sight so as to reduce their possible striking area; people who are 'bout what they say don't need no fancy kung-fu fighting techniques. Just "throw your sets up" and aim for the face.

Never mind pressure points or a flawed stance, hitting them in the face automatically makes you the winner. If it's a sucker punch, then you also get immediate bragging rights. Try walking away and announcing "Did you see that? I kicked her ass!" to the world.