Don't come to Florida. Florida sucks.

Every rant writer will at one point say their home state sucks, that's a given. However, even Maddox would agree that Florida sucks. At this point, you're probably wondering why that is. If not, too bad! I'm gonna list the reasons anyway.

1. Old People

I don't know about you, but the idea of waiting in traffic because some old guy doesn't remember where he is or which petal accelerates doesn't appeal to me. The old people in Florida have elevated levels of stupidity compared to most of the old fucks everywhere else in the United States. A typical old man thinks he's funny, thinks everyone else appreciates his existence, thinks that young people should serve them, believes that he should get the automatic right-away just because he's old, smells like dead carp, coughs all over the place, drives 10 mph under the speed limit, and needs 200 feet of clearance to make a left turn in a residential area.

Old people in Florida are the worst!

Second only to the elderly in both aggravation and road congestion is tourism. Tourists all drive down to Florida at top speed just so they can drive around at 10 mph and gawk at the surroundings because nobody has ever seen a palm tree outside of the state of Florida before. Every day for them is an adventure filled with pictures and excitement, only for them to later move down to Florida and realize how mundane all this bullshit really is. Don't listen to the tourism boards- Florida isn't beautiful. Florida is just a dried up old swamp that the old people flock to so they can die en masse.

California through Texas and up have a problem with the number of illegal Mexicans in the population. In Florida, we get cluster-fucked by a growing population of both illegal Mexicans and Cubans. Throw in illegal Jamaicans turned drug-dealers and you have a recipe for disaster. And if this wasn't bad enough...

Every elected official in Florida doesn't know what's good for the people, let alone how to do their job. Our representatives and senators (notably "Mel Martinez," who my parents actually voted for) voted "yes" on a bill that would allow illegal immigrants to collect social security without having to pay into it, while my dad (a service-disabled veteran) has been fighting with them for years and still hasn't received it. Even our local officials are dipshits. The school board appointed a superintendent who made a new tardy policy that states if you're late to class by even one second you get an administrative detention and, when questioned about the integrity of such a policy by yours truly, responded with "It's simple. Don't be late to class." Thanks for that explanation; it helped tremendously, dipshit.

For the most part, teenagers are idiots everywhere in the United States. But it usually feels like they're even worse in Florida. Maybe it's one of those "the grass is always browner" situations, but nevertheless Florida teenagers gain my ire like no other. The average age of teen pregnancy in Florida reaches down to 12 year-olds; that alone should speak for their gross stupidity. None of them have any realistic goals or aspirations in life-- either they want to be an astronaut/ninja/secret agent, or they want to get their GED and sell marijuana for the rest of their lives.

The Dolphins suck, the Buccaneers suck, every Florida sports team sucks. Even the Boston Red Sox, a sports team that practices in Fort Myers, Florida, rarely ever win a game. The worst part about that is the endless flood of Red Sox fans that flood to Fort Myers to see their team play, holding up traffic for hours and driving like they have the stick-shift shoved up their asses. Everytime I see a Red Sox fan, I feel like shouting, "It's not the Red Sox curse... it's YOU!"

The worst part about Florida is the complete and utter lack of entertainment aside from television. To say that Florida is boring is to say that old people are slightly irritable. There is so little to do here that Shuffleboard, the worst sport ever (next to Golf, which is tremendously popular in Florida), has become routine amongst the decrepit old farts. You're probably asking yourself, "Why do people come to Florida if it's that dull?" Why indeed? The only reason most of our tourists can give is they're here for the weather or for the beaches. Because driving 1,000 miles across America just to sit in a pile of sand next to an ocean of salt water with the sun beating down on you (when we're not being bombarded with hurricanes) is totally worth it.

One can't say that Florida sucks without mentioning how bad the weather sucks. If you want to experience the average summer afternoon in Florida, sit in a sauna for ten minutes then immediately jump into a hot shower before immediately returning to the sauna. The air is stale, moldy, and humid. Even without the hurricanes, Florida's humidity is always at least 70% and it storms almost everyday. So if you really want to get put out of your misery, just go golfing. Chances are, you'll get struck by lightning and we'll finally be rid of you. If you decide to do this, bring as many old people with you as possible. The more old people we feed to the tempest and get the hell out of this life, the merrier.

Update (09-14-07): Florida Still Sucks!